The Will depends on us

 The Will depends on us.

It might be time to write a blog for a change. Years spent in the limelight of the media, I have started to grow more of a private person, little by little. ”He who has happiness, should hide it” is an old Finnish saying. Happiness is an attribute for envy. In most cases it is seen that other peoples' happiness is something away from you. I have never understood this.

Often, friendships are compared to who comes to help in an emergency, but the truth is that everyone wants a drop of blood and to see another’s distress. You can get help and people are present but how many of your friends are willing to come to you to celebrate your happiness, your new job, lucky break or incredibly awesome deal… not many. The ones who rejoice with you and help you in distress, are the stone-footed ones, needless to say, that we hold on tooth and nail. You don’t need many, just the most important ones.

Living here on the otherside of the planet for the sixth year now, I have really begun to understand what is important in life.

I haven’t appreciated friendship before, as I do now. Family ties are tighter and relationships all together have deepened further. Is it because of Corona’s travel restrictions and the fact that I haven’t seen them in a year and a half, or is it overcoming difficulties in life with the help from my friends, or peaceful way of life and the appreciation of age for things like close relationships. Whatever the reason, I appreciate being healthy, I value my friends and family and the constant care and connections to my home country. Thank you.

It is sometimes hard to be an over social person. Especially living this far out in the middle of nowhere. My own life goes on so slowly at times that it is peculiar to think that how was I able to run from project to another for years and years.

The purpose was to be somebody and to leave something valuable behind. The idea, if you are not noticed, do you even exist.

It was pushing and seeking yourself in real life and in the media. Had to be on display to feel alive. It was sick.

After Penny came into my life, everything chaged. Life hasn’t been easy here in Australia, although looking at sunny pictures many might think so.

In the beginning with Stuart, everything was like a dream. The pregnancy changed and broke it all. He didn’t want to be a father and my biggest wish was to be a mother. Surprise pregnancy broke the facts tha what and who we were to each other. Everything changed.

Love was not realistically the thing keeping us together, it was the greatest of all; Will to do this together. Just like they ask in wedding vows ”Do you…, and the answer is I do.”

I said to Stuart back then that ”I don’t care if you love me or not, I want to know what do you want from life?” How much do you want this to work. Do you want to see if you are fit to be a father? Do you want a family. Do you want to go on this journey together. If you do, the actions are the biggest things, not the words.

People are so often driven by their emotions to one way or another. You cecide and act within what it feels like in an instant, not what the state of mind is with regard to the completion of the matter.

The Will kept us together. We both wanted to stay together through a difficult pregnancy, tearful and hard baby years, our own individual processes, sleepless months, hundreds of days without physical intimate connection, months sleeping in separate rooms and years of hard work.

Pregnancy hit the middle of the worst construction project. I puked 10-20 times a day, lying on a mattress in the middle of the construction dust because I didn’t want to be alone. A bio-friendly house was built and it took 4 years. Our house’s electricity comes through the solar panels, water comes from rain to the tanks, eggs from the henhouse, and the entire house was built from recycled materials.

Stuart did 14-hour shifts at the mine working for two and I was sick at home. Then, when Penny was born, we stayed awake for another year in a row and Stuart ended up in the ranks of One Nation for the election campaign. The house was still being built…

We didn’t have a relationship for nearly 3 years. We slept in separate rooms. I slept with the baby and him in the guestroom because of the hard work rhythm. We discussed only what was necessary.

We worked, both of us, I child / tattoos and household, he mining, politics and construction site. We had sex maybe total of 6 times during 3 years. There were many reasons, but the biggest one surely was mutual fatigue, exhaustion, irritation, and burnout.

I was diagnosed with postpartum depression, and he had father's depression and burnout. We still worked even more, because as the will was to get this house completed and mutually we wanted to be an intact loving family at the end. We never argued in front of Penny. We kept her sheltered from the awful noises of the adults.

This house was the cornerstone for a new life together as a happy family. We kept our promises. Whatever the situation, we didn’t let momentary irritation outbursts break us. We didn’t let us down, we didn’t treat each other badly and we didn’t break the honesty, loyality, or respect for one and other. We fougt and a lot. We printed out divorce papers three times but we never signed them. We were driven by the Will, not love. We had agreed upon that when the house is ready, we will move there, but if we are not ready to continue together, we will end it. Our house was the finish line.

I got pregnant again earlier this year. Stuart loved the idea of another child, for he had grown to be the greatest dad for Penny. There was a belly, there was a house, there was the move…

Along came Corona, came miscarriage, came unemployment, came travelling ban, came longing and great sorrow.

Everything was finally so good. We moved to the new home. Life was as bright as the first light in the morning. We rejoiced in everything new. Penny was so happy and everything was so good. 

A week after the move, the baby was gone, and the job was gone.

Tattoo studios were closed for three months. The loss of the baby was hard, and I couldn’t even immerse myself in work.

I couldn’t cry for my mother, or see my friends. I was so alone.

We managed everything still. Life carries. When you lose something, you understand the importance of another thing. We have the miracle child Penny. We still have each other and experiencing the miscarriage together, we found ourselves being much closer. We are strong-willed people, we have shown that for each other. There have been more reasons to pick up and leave, than to stay and survive. 

We love each other more now than ever before.

People are really good to do things that they want to do. What you want to do is in your own hands. Are you living the life you want to live? Are your relationships with people who you want to be with. How much are you willing to work for to achieve your goals. If your goals are something different than what you want, how big is your Will to change them. That is what life is about.

Happiness comes from things that you want to do. Things that you want around you, but the deepest happiness comes from within. About who you are and how honest you are to yourself or your fellow human beings. 

Keep your word. Appreciate trust. Be loyal and face the difficulties because you want to. Attitude is always a weapon for the twists and turns in life.

God leads my way and I am just following without a care in my mind. No worries about tomorrow. Tomorrow, take care of yourself.

Thank you.

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Olin translapsi.

I was a trans child.

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