Sini Ariell's blog

Little Penny's first Christmas went well. She has slept a couple whole nights for the first time. That feeling of waking up after six hours of sleep is the best gift. I'm feeling immensely more lively and the whole world looks more bright.

Christmas in Australia is different compared to Christmas in Finland. First of all, +36 degrees of heat and the palm trees swaying in the wind make Christmas decorations mainly humorous . Santa Claus figurines have fans in their mouths and Christmas ornaments hang from the plastic branches. On the table decorations, koalas and kangaroos have elf hats. At the Christmas table, everyone has a big cardboard candy next to their plate that is torn open with a pop together with the one sitting across the table. The one who gets the contents of the candy receives a small gift, a paper crown, and a tasteless joke on a small piece of paper. Christmas food and presents are all on Christmas Day. Nothing else happens on Christmas Eve except finishing tou…

That feeling when you are at a dead end and there's no way out. That feeling when you thought everything was crystal clear and fine. That feeling when you believed everything would turn out alright and click into place when the baby comes. All of that happened, yes, until the whole thing took a big step back and we returned to the same issues.

The joy of becoming pregnant and having a baby after having been diagnosed as being childless turned to great sorrow and anxiety over whether our relationship will hold out or not. You see, my husband never wanted children. Of course he fell in love with our baby and for a moment we were like a real happy family. I would have so gladly written about happy times at home in this blog, but I don't want to lie. I appreciate all the support from you and that's why I'm going to continue writing my blogs with honesty.

The media sharing my texts as entertainment news often leads to a lot of people who are struggling with the same issues …

Marraskuu 2/2

Vauva on nyt pian 7 viikkoa vanha ja kilon painavampi, kuin syntyessään. On ihmeellistä katsoa miten kasvot ja keho muuttuvat, sekä pienen ihmisen koko olemus. Saimme ensimmäisen hymyn muutama päivä sitten. Miten jokin asia voikaan pyöräyttää sydämen niin solmuun. Tuntui sen pienen hetken niin tärkeältä toiselle, hän oli siellä silmiensä katseessa, hymyn antaessa minulle. Mikään ei ole koskaan tuntunut samanlaiselta. On uskomatonta kokea tätä kaikkea äitiyden riemua. Vaikka tiesinkin aina että haluan äidiksi, ei minulla ollut mitään hajua, mitä se tarkoitti. Äitiys, sana merkitsee vasta sitten jotain, kun on itse äitinä toiselle.
Tuo pieni lapsi on niin täysin riippuvainen minusta. On outoa olla jollekin niin tärkeä, niin äärettömän tärkeä.
Halusin kirjoittaa tämän blogin näistä fiiliksistä, sillä uskon niiden muutoin unohtuvan ja muuttuvan itsestäänselvyyksiksi.
Kun katson vauvaani ja ihastelen hänen pieniä sormia, kaikki hänessä on niin täydellistä. Pieni nenä tuhisee,…

I was always the one that complained that "when people have babies, they immediately retreat into their homes and you never hear from them anymore," and why the fuck is that, as if there's nothing else in life except the baby. And then they complain that they can't go anywhere or do anything because they have a baby...

My hoodie www.disturb.fi
Well, you can guess what a tough lesson I've gotten from Karma for saying those things.

FUCK THIS SHIT that this day-to-day real life is with a newborn. It's so true, your home becomes a prison. You get a couple hours of sleep per night. I can't even remember when I last slept from evening to dawn. Car trips are so much fun while listening to screaming for 2 hours, and you just really don't feel like stopping again when there's only 180 km to go anymore. Being awake is a continuous struggle while you try to figure out why is it whining or screaming this time and nothing really makes it easier...Not a lot of …

Mä olin aina ennen se tyyppi joka valitti, et "heti ku jengi saa vauvoja ni ne vetäytyy himaan ja niist ei enää kuulu mitää", et vittu minkä takia, ihan ku elämässä ei muka olis mitää muuta ku vauva. Ja sit ne valittaa et mihkää ei voi lähtee eikä mitään tehä ku on se vauva...
Noh arvatakin saattaa miten kovan koulun Karma minulle hoitikin noista puheista.
VITTU MITÄ PASKAA tämä arki oikeesti vastasyntyneen kanssa on. Todellakin, kodista tulee vankila. Unta tulee pari tuntia yössä. En edes muista milloin olen nukkunut illasta aamuun. Automatkat muuttuu mukavan rattoisiksi kun kuuntelet motarilla 2h kiljuntaa, etkä millään viitsisi jälleen pysähtyä kun matkaa on enää 180km jäljellä. Hereillä olo aika on jatkuvaa kamppailua selvitellessä mitä se itkee kitisee tai kiljuu tällä kertaa ja mikään ei todellakaan helpota... Ei katsekontaktia juurikaan vielä joten on hyvin rasittavaa henkisesti hengailla elävän nuken kanssa. Joo yksi hymy silloin tällöin ja sitten itkua ja vikinää l…

The baby is now 8 weeks old and one kilo heavier than when she was born. It's amazing to watch how the face and body changes as well as the whole being of a small human. We saw the first smile a few days ago. How can such a thing turn your heart in a knot. To feel for that short moment so important to another, her within the look in her eyes, giving me a smile. Nothing has ever felt the same. It's unbelievable to experience all this jot of motherhood. Although I always knew that I wanted to be a mother, I had no idea of what that meant. Motherhood, the word only has a meaning once you yourself are a mother to another.

That small child is so totaly dependent on me. It's odd to be so important to someone, so infinitely important.

I wanted to write a blog about these feelings, because I think otherwise they will be forgotten and taken for granted.

When I look at my baby and admire her small fingers, everything about her is so perfect. The small nose snivels, the mouth clicks…