Fear of dying when I purchased flights to Finland

A fear of dying struck when I purchased flights to Finland

It's the beginning of February. Temperatures are around +40 during the day. I picked up my dad from the airport the day before yesterday. I booked flights for our whole family to Finland. Stuart, Penny and I will come for March. Somehow the thought of coming to Finland began to make me anxious again. I don't know what there is about it, but it's happened three times already. There's a strong will to come to my home country to see family and friends, but my body reacts in a really strange way.

After getting the tickets, sweat rises and my throat begins to contract. I sat in a rocking chair and burst out crying. It was not the positive crying of relief, but some sort of horrible fearful and anxious crying. I can't explain why this happens every time I'm coming. This time the anxiety and fear subsided after two days. This was helped by the support of friends and family and the stories of all the fun things we'll do when we come. Really, it sounds like how a little kid feels when they should be going to the dentist. I don't know, some kind of trauma raising its head I guess.

Already one skipped trip to Finland

Two years ago I had already bought tickets  for February and this anxiety became so much of a fear of dying and fear itself that I really skipped the trip. I believed I would die if I came to Finland. That meant throwing away tickets worth over a thousand. I just simply couldn't go. I even said that I'd rather pay 1500€ than go to Finland for a visit. I was too afraid. Can someone tell me what causes this or triggers it? And why doesn't it happen every time I'm coming. For example, last summer when I visited, I counted down the days to the flight and was super excited. This time I'm anxious and I feel a pressure on my chest when I think of coming. Well anyway, we are coming. I'm going to take Stuart into a hole in the ice, go for a drive on snow mobiles, and maybe go up Lapland to see some small reindeer farm.

Charming little Penny

Penny has started sleeping through the night. Now we're all finally getting some sleet. Lactose-free formula and baby mushes seem to work for her. I began doing tattoos a few per week. Penny is taken over to our neighbor Jackie on those days for a few hours and I get to do my favorite thing, draw on skin. Life tastes better now, so much better. Penny is such an incredibly happy little girl. She laughs in her sleep and smiles charmingly and babbles when awake. We're going to raise her bilingual, so need to read up on that a bit as well as to how to do that most fluently.



We went to the Tamworth Country Music festival with the whole family. It was a fantastic event with wonderful people. Many people recognized us from the wedding show on Netflix and everyone admired our baby a lot. I've been considering whether I should stop writing this blog, but on the other hand, this is sort of like writing a diary and it'll be nice to read to Penny once she's bigger. The story of her life with all it's exciting twists and turns.

Stuart is completely sold and infinitely in love with Penny. They have a clear connection with each other. Penny begins to laugh and smile the moment she sees her daddy's face. It's wonderful to see him kiss Penny's cheeks and chat to her. You can follow the day-to-day life of our family here in Australia with videos and photos on Facebook under the name The Bonds Family 007.

Translated from the original Finnish text by Stiina Rasimus-Sahari

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