Fights and loving at the same time

That feeling when you are at a dead end and there's no way out. That feeling when you thought everything was crystal clear and fine. That feeling when you believed everything would turn out alright and click into place when the baby comes. All of that happened, yes, until the whole thing took a big step back and we returned to the same issues.

The joy of becoming pregnant and having a baby after having been diagnosed as being childless turned to great sorrow and anxiety over whether our relationship will hold out or not. You see, my husband never wanted children. Of course he fell in love with our baby and for a moment we were like a real happy family. I would have so gladly written about happy times at home in this blog, but I don't want to lie. I appreciate all the support from you and that's why I'm going to continue writing my blogs with honesty.

The media sharing my texts as entertainment news often leads to a lot of people who are struggling with the same issues reaching out to me. I feel that as empowering beside my own fatigue. Thank you. Here's an update from this moment.

The weeks passed by. Me taking care of the crying baby, whining due to stomach problems, and him building our house and doing 12-hour work shifts four times a week. We finally both burned ourselves out so that we were really on the verge of printing out divorce papers the day before yesterday. The continuous fatigue and irritation due to the circumstances brought about an enormous argument.

We were both ready to give up. It's so easy to threaten the other with divorce, but when the words come out of the others mouth, you realize how high the stakes really are. I absolutely do not want a divorce and neither does he apparently, but a question still gnaws at my insides, are we still together due to love or perseverance? Does he still love me as much as he did before the pregnancy or is he just saying so? Are we still us even though this baby has come between us? How did things become so bleak all of a sudden?

I had just posted a video clip  on our Facebook/thebondsfamily007 where I am crying for joy and saying that I am happy and have no fear of someone taking that away from me. Well of course that happened almost immediately after uploading the video. My own husband admitted that he had sunk down into depression and fatigue due to all of this. I had noticed he was gloomy and withdrawn, but I didn't know he was suffering so much inside from all of this. I thought we were in the clear with processing the mental side, I was wrong.

The situation is so big to be handled amongst ourselves that we are having to go to couples therapy to try and figure this out. Thinking about it now with hindsight, I understand that of course he can't change his wishes overnight to the exact opposite.

It is extremely rare for a man who didn't want children to marry a woman who is suffering from infertility (who moves to the other side of the globe to be with him) who then gets pregnant for a completely unknown reason (of course we all know how you get pregnant, but how such a broken body could create a baby is the big question). The child came and now the man should all of a sudden change his mind completely regarding the subject. I fully understand his struggle with this. What life is like without kids is completely different compared to life with a kid. If your choice in life has been one or the other, it's practically impossible to all of a sudden, without your own choosing, change it to the opposite. In this situation, I was as happy as could be to have my greatest dream come true and my husband's world fell apart as he lost his own.

We both know that his mind will change as our daughter grows a bit. The situation right now, however, is really laborious due to shifting emotions. We're taking it a day at a time. We'll get this to work if we both want it so. Love is the greatest of all, but in this situation it's more a question of will and wanting it. I actually asked him: "do you want this family?" He answered: "yes, but I need help dealing with things." I am so indescribably proud of him. It takes courage to admit your own weaknesses and reach out for help when you feel a need.

We are going through an enormous turning point and it takes a lot of perseverance on both sides to keep us together. As a compromise, we've decided we won't dwell on this too much, we won't argue over insignificant things, I won't complain about how tired I am or get upset over nothing, and he will pay more attention to me and the baby. The renovation is going on hold now for a while and we are going to concentrate on our daily life together and moments as a family.

Our baby is completely innocent in this and we don't want our problems to affect her wellbeing. She is very dear to both of us and that makes my husband's state very conflicted. So I wish from the bottom of my heart for strength and endurance for us both. We'll make it through this. One day at a time.

I wanted to write the truth about our daily life. Many have assured me that my husband's heart will melt straight away when he gets the baby in his arms and everything will change for the better as if by a stroke of lightning. Oh how I wish that had happened, wish from the bottom of my heart.

That didn't happen in this case though. He loves our daughter but once in a while wishes for an exit from his life situation. I understand the struggle but my own strength is running low. Everything hdoesn't go as planned in life and that's why I wanted to write about this truthfully. For us, family life is now this slow process towards a strong bond, and for others it's clearly different.

Be grateful for your family and closest ones. When your own strength is waning, they will carry you along quietly.
Everything happens for a reason. I don't understand the reason for what has happened but I'm trying my best to accept it.
I keep telling myself "it will be alright".
I'm tired. I wrote my previous update about that. My fatigue is connected to all of the mental challenges of this year which still don't seem to be easing up.
The baby is difficult. I try to just keep going and now with the support I've received I'm getting along a bit more lightly. There are other tired mothers as well. Thank you.
The media made headlines based on my blog and made me my own kind of mother figure. I love my daughter and I don't think it's wrong to feel whatever I feel in the ups and downs. It's normal to feel tired sometimes. Let's stick together as mothers.
Life is not plain joy all the time and I'm not going to lie and pretend it is.

Thank you for the support we've received and for the new followers on social media.

In collaboration with

Translated from the original Finnish text by Stiina Rasimus-Sahari

Tämän blogin suosituimmat tekstit

Olin translapsi.

I was a trans child.

Suuri ilo kuoli sisälläni