When sadness takes over joy

September 10, 2017

17 days to the C-section

My condition is beginning to be very uncomfortable overall. The puking has slightly eased up, might actually be because I haven’t really felt like eating anything.

Doing anything has turned into slow trudging. My belly presses on my hips enormously and pretty much the only comfortable position is to lay on my side. The joint pains are nearly unbearable and my hip pops out of place when I move.
Luckily, friends come by and keep me company. Stuart isn’t really much company since he sprained his back muscles a couple weeks ago. We’re both bedridden on his days off.

We discuss things in a very matter-of-fact way. Getting a baby seat and the rest of the things that are missing. Packing the hospital bag and other practical things. When it comes to love, intimacy or its appearance, things have changed totally from what they were before all of this.

I’m maybe even feeling some kind of guilt about the pregnancy, although I should be jumping for joy and gratitude. This is still overshadowed very deeply but the other not wanting a child. Not yet now and maybe never. I don’t know what will change and snap when the baby is there in his lap, or will it ever snap. I guess it must, because that’s how nature is created. A person must love their own offspring, I hope so. I don’t and didn’t have much of an alternative here anyway. I didn’t know I could get pregnant, blindly believed the word of the doctor. With hindsight, I surely could have used some sort of contraception just in case, but that didn’t cross my mind. Now we’re in a crisis. Rocking uncontrollably between different emotions and uncertainty, with our only refuge being an intense trust in tomorrow. I don’t know who we are anymore, where we are heading, and how we will continue.

The scariest thing is being scared. I can’t get any peer support from anywhere. I’m scared of being alone in this situation, but I would never wish this situation on another person. I wouldn’t wish for this situation for my dear husband either. I definitely did not want to endanger our perfect relationship with this type of thing. Nonetheless, I am very much in love with him as well as this new person kicking around in my belly who chose us as parents. It feels like everything is fucked up, but neither of us says it aloud because it wouldn’t change the journey ahead.

Neither of us are thinking of divorce, we’re going forward together with only love keeping us attached to each other.
I know that this is quite a sad and inconsolable post, but I must say these things to myself today. Just have to say it.

Tears stream down my cheeks as I remember how we used to be. Facebook happily reminds me about it every fucking day, with different posts about what we’ve experienced over the past couple years. Compared to this cold bed where I lie with my big belly every day, alone, it doesn’t make me feel any better.

I’m very broken inside today. My friends take care of me and understand me without judging. “Whose fault or who’s to blame” is luckily not a topic of discussion, because problems of this scale can’t be solved with hindsight let alone blame.

I love Stuart from the bottom of my heart and I value him and his honesty. Yet it’s still tough when you would like to hear a different answer to the question: ”If you could choose now, baby or no baby, which would you pick.”

He answers mournfully and quietly: "Sini, why do you do this to yourself and ask when you know my answer.”

I don’t know how I should deal with this, since I understand his answer completely and value it, and the situation won’t change (hopefully then it will) until the little being is in his lap. An innocent beginning of a person and our creation.

It’s sick to feel joy and vast grief and despair at the same time. I’ve even wondered why every time I achieve happiness, it gets covered in shit in some way, making it feel like I can’t be as overjoyed as I should be.

Photo by Bec Bushell

Yes, 17 days to go to some waypoint that separates everything I’ve been and will be. Losing my old life and going into some new unknown. Separating what we were and what is left of us from what we will become.

Giving into our hands a miracle child that wasn’t supposed to be possible to be born from me. A child that is the product of our love. A little angel that formed from our insides, bringing light into the world. 17 days to something grand, which we have no understanding of. 17 days to confessing unconditional sincere love, to a lifelong commitment between parent and child, to selfishness turning to complete selflessness, to transferring the most important to our offspring.

There’s a lot of life ahead which I nor we have any idea of.

I’m not afraid of motherhood, I’m afraid of what will happen to our relationship. Stuart is everything to me, and I pray that our love will weather out this storm. Such big issues bring a new perspective to “in good times and in bad”.

I’m tired.

Our life has now been hashed out in the media quite often, there’s also been a lot of feedback in a negative tone (which by the way I don’t need to know let alone see when I’m really broken up already). I wrote a column recently. Actually I’ve written it several times and now got it out of myself.

I’ve given interviews of all kinds about the bullying I’ve experienced, but this is probably the clearest and harshest summary in my own words. I sincerely hope this column helps others who are bullied. I’ve gotten a post as a standing columnist on the Casinoeuro website. I had a visiting ”celebrity” blog there about dreams and it was read so much that they asked me to write also in the future. I’m not attached to this website in any other way.


Sini Ariell

In collaboration with www.disturb.fi

Our family’s Facebook page The Bonds Family 007

Translated from the original Finnish text by Stiina Rasimus-Sahari

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Happiness died inside of me

Story of our difficult pregnancy until having a baby