I prayed for a dick for my birthday...

My Finnish version of this blog post read from this link https://www.casinoeuro.com/fi/blog/uutiset/sini-ariellin-blogi-erilainen-lapsuus/

While following the media and news going around about trans children, all kinds of thoughts about the subject have come to my mind.

I saw some news story about Angelina Jolie ending up deciding to begin hormonal treatments for I think her 11-year-old daughter who wants to be a boy. Whether true or not, but my own childhood just suddenly came vividly to mind. https://wnews.world/facts-events/11-year-old-jolie-pitt-daughter-is-starting-her-gender-transition-idku9e

You see, I wanted to be a boy since I was seven until I was thirteen. I was a very boyish little girl. My mom let me cut my hair short like "boy hair" as I called it. I was a boy named Pekka every week. I hated dresses and girly things, but at the same time I sometimes played house and pretended to be a mom. I remember how difficult it was in the mornings to decide who I wanted to be that day, Sini or Pekka. I chose my clothes based on whether I wanted to be a girl or a boy. The character could also change while playing or during the day. I just felt like now I want to be a girl again.

I have a brother who is one year older and most often I played with him and his friends. Sometimes building a fort, sometimes playing war or going on trips to the forest, since we lived in the countryside. On the other hand, I played make-believe with my girlfriends, pretending to be mothers to invisible babies, pushing strollers on quite long walks. My mom or dad let me be a different kind of child, express myself just as I was.

I was never told not to be a tomboy, let alone anyone being ashamed of me in front of people for looking like a boy again and wearing boy clothes. I remember what a source of pride it was when some older lady asked my brother and me "whos boys are you?", oh how proud I was.

I remember still wanting to be a boy when going into junior high, or at least wanting to make everyone think so. I went to a different junior high than the rest of my class due to bullying. They went from Ryttylä to Oitti and I went to Kara junior high in Riihimäki. So from the countryside to the city. I still remember the outfit I wore on the first day of school. I was a skater, so I had on a worn out retro Adidas track jacket, loose jeans and Converse sneakers, hair cut short and a Huckleberry Hound cap. Our whole class thought I was a boy, I was proud of that.

I definitely did not wear makeup, I think the first time was probably not until high school at the age of 17 when I put makeup on my face. I remember almost all of my friends being boys, I was one of them. The feeling of wanting to be a boy was very strong once in a while. I don't know where it came from and where it then later all of a sudden disappeared to.

At the time, there was no talk of therapy, let alone hormonal treatments related to this. It wasn't so to say in style to be different. It was embarassing to stick out and indeed I on my part received a shocking amount of bullying and picking on. I was of course an easy target with my boy hair and appearance. When others began to get breasts, I didn't, and it was easy to bully me about that and not having breasts only supported my own perception of my boy body.

However, during junior high my perception of my body began to change and I suddenly began to enjoy girly outfits and jewellery. I became familiar with makeup and different looks. I sewed a lot of my own clothes and hoarded outfits from flea markets. I had all kinds of hairdos and colors. I went out in some very strange ensembles. I've always had a very distinct way of dressing. I've never followed fashion trends, I've created my own look since I was a child.

In the end, I got my period, although not until I was 17. This was due to issues with my ovaries, the same ones that were one obstacle preventing me from becoming pregnant. I began dating at 17, so after the first year of high school, and I stayed in that relationship for a total of six years. Then I met Joni, my ex-husband who I spent the next 10 years with. And now here I am in th Australian countryside, expecting a baby after a relationship of two years.

I wanted to share this story in my column just to stop you from coming to conclusions too quickly when it comes to your child's gender games or whatever you want to call them. I myself lived the boy phase for almost 7 years, daily, I was either a girl or a boy down to the last detail. As a boy, I really felt like I was one of the guys, even as a preteen. As a girl, I could wear a princess dress and fly around like a fairy with my barbies.

My mother always encouraged me. She was never ashamed of me, and never forbid me from being myself. I've always been accepted in my family and I've received infinite amounts of love, support, encouragement, and understanding. I remember my mom telling me that I'm of a special kind and that I would never need to even try to change myself for others.

However, no one called me Pekka at home, let alone talking of gender transformation or even therapy. I remember having a discussion with my mom about why I sometimes want to be a boy , and my mom said it's a normal development phase that lasts longer and is stronger for some than for others. She explained that I was searching for my own identity and assured me that I would surely find it once the time was ripe.

Now think about what if my parents had started taking this forward with all bells and whistles blowing. To psychiatrists, doctors, sexual therapists and gender transformation specialists (I don't even know what they're called), would I have ever had an unrestricted childhood and the freedom to express myself, or would it have been a quick run out of the frying pan and into the fire. I really was one of those children you see in documentaries concerning this subject, I wanted to change my gender completely. I even remember praying as a little girl for the heavenly father to give me a willy as a birthday present. Now it of course makes me laugh, but at the time it was no laughing matter but the real truth. If my mom had started going forward with this and feeding me hormones and taking me to see doctors, to change my gender, just because I wanted it so, where would I be today?
Yakuza toppi www.disturb.fi 

I definitely wouldn't be a spokeperson for boosting womens self esteem, a curvy international pin-up model (which is kind of sarcastic taking my past into account, an extreme compared to a tomboy, the epitome of femininity, with reds lips and curls in my hair) let alone becoming a mother.

So I felt I wanted to make you aware of this side of myself, especially if your own daughter or son is going through the same kind of phase. When I've talked about this with my friends, an Australian girlfriend shared a link with me telling the story of one family. The boy wanted to change his gender at young age. The mother went to all the doctors without getting approval or having the boy accepted in a treatment program for gender transformation. If I remember correctly, he was 12 years old. In the end, the mother got hormones off the black market and began the treatment for her son, altering his hormonal activity. Now the boy wants to return to being a boy and not a girl anymore, and as a preteen is waiting to have breast removal surgery.

I myself don't have anything against the decisions of others. Every adult can make their own decisions about their body or how they raise children. I don't judge anyone based on their decisions. Everyone surely tries to do their best. My story is just one example of this theme.

Thoughts for today and a changing world where it's cool to be different!

Sini Ariell
Tomboy called Pekka 😉

Translated from the original Finnish text by Stiina Rasimus-Sahari

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