New Year's Happy News

A new year

Good news! Penny began sleeping through the night after Christmas Eve and we ourselves got to rest well at Stuart's childhood home by the beach in Old Bar.

2017 drained us both. Changes that were too big and messed up both our heads. For me, the fulfillment of my dreams, and for the other, the shattering of dreams. However, in the end, the surprise was the best thing that has ever happened to us. We grew as human beings so much due to all of this to become better versions of ourselves.

We will tell our daughter with love how everything started. How mom got divorced because of being childless and found a man on the other side of planet. How dreams changed as if by a stroke of lightning and how love kept us together. We will teach her that you can't live by dreaming and planning. Life must be lived day by day, making each moment worth living. We'll tell her what a great miracle she is and how proud we are of her. We'll teach her to accept life as it comes and enjoy both the ups and downs with a positive attitude.

www.disturb.fi

I updated my blog like a therapeutic diary. I needed to put to words my own anxiety. It might have been to my own destruction, but I don't regret anything because all the texts are my authentic thoughts and stories about our life.

The media made headlines and news of almost each blog post, provoking rage and scorn or joy and pride in people. Most often the negative reception came from those who didn't even bother to read my blog posts let alone know me as a person. I never read the comments myself, but the support I've received showed there were concerns about how I'm holding up in the midst of it all. Many asked how I handle all the attacks after each headline, how I handle my haters.

I was thinking of how to reply when I understood that actually, I don't need them or their opinions in my life. I know myself what kind of life I'm living and how things are at home. Our friend and support network is incredible, from both the women and the men. I understood that they are enough for me. I don't have to please anyone else anymore. I advised many who face the same type of hate in their lives to hold on to those who have meaning in their lives instead of trying to turn the heads of the haters. Bullies are not well. I can't help that and I am not going to make myself feel guilty about it.

I got so tired at the end of the year due to insomnia since January, the sickness during the pregnancy (hyperemesis), relationship issues, and a slight post-partum depression. Christmas Day was wonderful among the large family, but I felt a bit homesick still. I had received support in the baby 2017 Facebook group all through the year, but right before Christmas it got out that someone was leaking the texts I had written to other sites to be laughed at and to the media to be picked apart, like the "fuck this shit" text of a tired mother that I then ended up putting in the blog. In the end, this incident turned out to be a very positive thing for many tired mothers and support for those struggling in similar situations.

I was very sleepy and weepy before and after the Christmas holidays. I rested and absentmindedly took care if the baby. I accused myself of being a bad mother and felt like a complete failure. All of a sudden, the baby began to sleep 6 hours during the night. Stopped crying whenever she got what was needed. No more tummy pains due to bloating. I was so amazed and still am. Penny sits in her sitter after eating and smiles cheerfully. Incredible!

White Noise sound calms her down by WhisBear

Me and my husband talked about our feelings and experienced a feeling of belonging and great joy as things began falling into place. And yes, people of Finland, we got hammered together. And yes, it was fucking great!! We were like before and enjoyed each other's company. We kind of went back in time and laughed like crazy about stupid things. "We'll make it through this and pull through together, no matter what." We went to a Christmas Eve party to meet Stuart's childhood friends and everyone cheered for our growing family. Each of them knew what Stuart had thought of having children, so there was abundant humor about that all through the evening. We proudly showed everyone pictures of our daughter and it felt wonderful to hear all the town boys, now fathers, sharing their experiences of fatherhood. Things that are taboo in Finland aren't apparently the same here. They spoke openly about their own feelings and supported each other's stories. The evening was somewhat of a turning point.

Today is New Year's Day 2018 and we have just come home. I was in Sydney to see the fireworks with my friend Bec. Stuart was at work the whole weekend. My mother-in-law took care of Penny. There were an estimated 1.4 million people in downtown Sydney according to the guards. It was one of those once in a lifetime things. What an experience.

While waiting for the fireworks to start and talking with two American ladies in their sixties, I noticed I no longer want anything in life. They were ticking off their bucket lists and had come to see the fireworks. While we chatted and I shared my story, I understood that I don't want anything from life anymore. I used to want things so badly and set dreadful goals for myself to reach what I wanted. I've done everything in life that I've wanted to and now I'm finally peaceful. I have everything I need. I'm not missing anything. To many, my everything is nothing, but to me my everything is Stuart and Penny. I've lived my life fulfilling all my goals and now I feel that I'm on extra time, seeing what life will bring me, and not demanding anything more from myself. After the wanting has ended, I finally feel free of any baggage. I'm not stressing about reaching something anymore. And I don't put  aggressive pressure on myself anymore. I always thought before that aggressiveness was what kept me alive, now I see what genuine humble happiness is. It doesn't come with a Hollywood sign in the background, in a cocktail dress with lips full of filler. It's everything but that. And it swells from within and only for yourself. Not waiting for others to pat you on the back. Merits come while living life, but you shouldn't let them define who you are, let alone your happiness.

Happiness also doesn't come with all bells and whistles blowing, it's your own attitude and deep understanding of life's magnificence. It's incredible to be alive, to be healthy and surrounded by those you live.

I wish you a very Happy New Year!
Collaboration www.disturb.fi

Translated from the original Finnish text by Stiina Rasimus-Sahari