Happiness died inside of me

The day when a great happiness turned again to a great sorrow.

I wonder how many times I have gone through this same alley. First there is happiness, a great shattering joy, bliss and freedom to fly in happiness. Then comes a fear of losing it. A fear that someone or something is going to destroy it and take it away. And then came the destruction of Happiness. Gathering the pieces and a strong belief that a positive attitude towards life carries over all the heartache and loss. It was too good to be true to be mine. And the belief that a pinch of that shattering great happiness stayed to live inside me.

I have often said that happiness is an attitude and that sustaining happiness is a full-time job.

Once again life surprised.

I ended up pregnant again. Me, who had suffered from childlessness for 16 years, who had an answer from ivf clinic that There is not a possibility for to become a mother. Me, who divorced from a 10-year marriage appealing to this, “I love you so much that I will let you go, go and have children.” Me, who then found new love and became pregnant surprisingly after one year of dating to a man who never wanted children. Me who almost got divorced because of the pregnancy and who kept believing that everything is going to be alright. Me, who forced the man to talk and go through it more than once, me who decided that this is going to go well. The pregnancy was difficult, being sick and vomiting for the whole 9 months. The man agonizing and me supporting him in different state of minds.

The difficult baby-period, no support, post-pregnancy depression, no help, no family, no support network. Alone through the time from pregnancy until the baby was 6 months old, when it finally got easier. I suffered from the wretchedness of my blog, but still I don’t regret about writing what I went through, it was my lifeline, my permission to yell. Life is not always faking in Instagram in lavender scented sheets, a new-born always sleeping with a sweet, white blanket behind her head.

The truth was real, and I am proud of my self about the fact that I didn’t give up.

We got through it all. The house is ready. Stuart made history by gaining the biggest voting results in our area’s election, from his party. Little child and to keep the farm animals alive in the historical drought pretty much defined the pace of work. Stuart joined fire department along side of his job during Australia’s biggest wildfires throughout the history. So, the first year for Penny was very hectic.

Everything was sorted out.

New year 2020 started quietly. We got drunk and romped in sheets, like we used to do. The act was not any kind of movie-material, but it was fun. Then became February and it was time to figure out that when was my last period.

Whoops, I was pregnant. Again! Stuart was so happy this time, he had grown to be the worlds greatest dad. Penny seemed to realize why mommy had a big belly, when we explained it to her. The belly grew at an enormous pace during the weeks.
Photo Keari Martin Meraki Bumps&Babes

 Everything was fine in the first ultrasound. The little one was only 5,5 weeks. The due date was the 4th of October. Weeks went by and I didn’t throw up, not even once. I was sick and had some morning sickness, but I didn’t throw up.

I began to suspect that maybe something was wrong.

Stuart tried to calm me down saying that everything was fine, and it is certainly a boy.

Penny whispered daily in my ear, saying that she has a secret, “mommy has a baby in her belly” in English and saying in Finnish that a baby is coming to the house. Bilingualism is an amazing thing in such a little person. It surprises every day.

The belly kept growing, pregnancy feasting, and cravings came along. Belly button popped out and pregnancy fatigue was strong after a long work day. Continuous fear was that what if the vomiting starts again. Is the baby ok? What is going to noticed in the 12-week ultrasound and what kind of a baby are we going to have.

Week 10 came along. I went to acupuncture for my nausea. A Chinese doctor crapped my wrists and said that he can’t find the fertility acupuncture point at all, and he was surprised that I had Penny and that I was pregnant again.

The next day was the 10-week ultrasound, where after an agonizingly long silence, the doctor called to the hospital and asked a time for an acute internal ultrasound. I knew that something went wrong.

The feeling when you are driving the motorway to the hospital and go all the facts that you expected in your mind; two children, shared plays in the farm, decorating the nursery, travelling with them, all the things you were happy for and what you lost. Happiness was taken away again. Why.

I had even held on to a saying “the one who has happiness should keep it hidden”.

Last time when I was glowing about the pregnancy, Finnish people shout out through the internet awful things where they wished me miscarriage, a handicapped child and even threats “if you come to Finland and I see you on the street, I will kick the baby out of you.”

This time I kept quiet. I was afraid.

I lost my child. The other one. Wanted, loved, protected from media and mutually wanted.

The Mr Bonds to be, perished inside my womb at the age of 6 weeks and because there was no bleeding, it had to done chemically.

I am laying on the bed. A tear is falling down my cheek. I take the abortion pill, the first one. Wondering why my happiness is so often so fragile.

I don’t want to feel like a victim, but I am tired of being strong. I want to curl up in a small ball and be in my mothers’ arms. My mother, who is on the other side of the world and to whom I cant get to.

I was so in love with Penny, she brings smile to my face and fills up my heart daily with happiness. I wasn’t supposed to have the possibility even have Her in my life. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

After 48 hours, I take the terminal capsules, 4 pieces. Then we wait for the violent contractions, pains and ferocious amounts of blood. We have a name ready in the hospital, if the bleeding is gets too massive and I need surgical help.

I am shooting a video of this all to show what is a real life miscarriage really like. Abortion. The taboo that nobody talks about. Nobody shares experiences about these. I do. I have nothing to lose. Judge or be silent, I am not scared anymore.

I want to show how painful the path is for a mother from a cheerful motherhood to an abortion, to the roughest extremity. To lose the happiness. To emptiness.

It became the time to take the terminal capsules. It is Friday 7.15 am. The constructions started after 30 minutes. After that intolerable flowing nausea at 9 am. Cramps and constructions lead me to sit on the toilet for 3 hours straight. Panting, squirming, crying and squealing from pain. We arranged for Penny to be with neighbour granny for this time and Stuart took her there.

The day was throughout horrifying and filled with pain and sadness.

The dreams of a bigger family, a little sister and all the planning, the bunk bead in the nursery, strollers, happy playing sounds in the country side, it all came bleeding down the toilet. I don’t wish this for anyone.

The thing, that how fast from a pregnancy test to falling in love and planning all the future, is hard to explain.

overall, the experience was totally shit. Birth simulation with abortion capsules for a dead fetus. Shitty trip.

Today is a new day. Everything happens for a reason. So, with new steps to a new period of time. Life surprised again. It gave first and then took it away. Why?

Sustaining happiness is a fulltime job. Again, I go back to the roots of my happiness, to that what is my happiness. Happiness can’t be based on anything that can be taken away from you. Happiness can’t be based on lies, fictional scenarios which are posted to social media with a polished smile on your face. Happiness cannot be affiliated with the amount of other people’s jealousy. If you think that you can get happiness from the amount that your posts create jealousy, you have a wrong way of thinking about a real liberated happiness.

I believe that the essence of happiness is a deep feeling of determines to experience things through positivity. Minimize negativity, rule out faking and poisonous relationships and step out from the box. Idolizing and gather likers and followers doesn’t bring happiness, vice versa, it will create illness, anxiety and narcissistic behavior.

Happiness is to Live your own way, your own life, regardless of others opinions. Valuing others in their decisions and keeping themselves away from drama.

My happiness is all the good things in my life, so I decide, yet again, to be happy despite of what God has given me.

Through this experience I can, yet again, to understand and encourage other mothers in similar situations.

Stronger forward and grateful of everything already given.

Bitterness, feeling like a victim or bottled up anger are not a good base for anything.

Life hits, educates and teaches. We won’t give up, we turn all hardships to victory, no matter what.

Our own way of taking stand is our only weapon against bleakness, there are new things to complain about every day.

Today its been 3 days from the miscarriage, the bleeding where I said goodbye to our family member, I am empty. I wait for new adventures and I accept the loss.

I trust and believe in God’s will and I accept this great loss. Even though the pregnancy was in early stage, I had already planned and joyed it till the end and beyond. The child was real to me, my whole family pet my belly at every turn when they went by. We loved you. Have a good journey and we will see you later then. You were important, you were joy, you were a member of our union.

 Photo Keari Martin Meraki Bumps&Babes
I wish a better day to you all

Sini Ariell


  1. Tunnen olevani jälleen niin siunattu avioliittoani, kun tohtori osagiede toi takaisin mieheni, joka erotti minut kanssani hyviä 3 vuorokautta. Olen nimeltä Anneli Jäätteenmäki. Vaikka minulla on suu koko kehossani, ei riitä, että kiitämme tohtori Osagiedea hänen avusta elämässäni. Mieheni oli eronnut kanssani 3 kuukautta ja joutunut olemaan tuskissa ja tuskalla ilman häntä. Joten etsin apua kaikkialta, mutta mikään ei onnistunut, ennen kuin tarkoitin tohtori Osagiedea, jonka kanssa otin yhteyttä verkossa. Selitin tilannetta hänelle ja hän lupasi, että aviomieheni tulee takaisin minuun 24–48 tunnin sisällä, sikäli kuin sydämeni silti lyö hänen puolestaan. Uskoin häneen ja hän valmisti loitsun minulle ja mieheni soitti minulle juuri kun tohtori Osagiede sanoi. Hän vetoaa ja sanoi, että hän tarvitsee minut takaisin ja elämme nyt jälleen onnellisina viimeiset 9 kuukautta. Kaikkien siellä lukevien artikkelini, jotka tarvitsevat apua, tulee ottaa yhteyttä häneen ... Sähköposti: doctorosagiede75@gmail.com tai whatsapp and viber puhelinnumeroon +2349014523836


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