Baby has a name now

Our baby is now one month old. Stuart has overcome his main shock of having a child.  He is present whenever he can find the time between his work at the mine and building the house. It's lovely to see the fatherly love and pride on his face. Everything seems to have found balance in his heart in the end.
Bec Bushell Photography , Clothes Muotiputiikki Helmi , Makeup Sponsored by Krista Seppälä Oriflame

How happy I am that everything turned out well despite his feelings.

I myself feel very happy and peaceful with my baby. The days pass fussing and walking around, diapers booby crying and putting to sleep. That's what this is supposed to be I guess.

We have decided to have a bilingual home. I speak Finnish to the baby when we are alone and English when dad is present. I'm going to show her children's programs in Finnish and read Finnish children's books to her. She'll learn to be fluent in English for sure, so I'll take care of her Finnish in homeschooling. Or at least that's how it's been planned.

However, I was sad and upset for a moment amidst all this loveliness. I went through hell over the past 9 months both physically as well as mentally, and now that is being released as a light feeling of depression. I was sad off and on and despite that enormously happy and upbeat.

It's been sad to experience not being able to be happy enough about pregnancy and that our relationship was driven into such a deep crisis. It feels like now that the baby is out and dad is excited to be part of it all, what about me. What am I supposed to be now. I can't erase the anxiety I felt just like that. It feels like our relationship changed for a moment due to the tough period and now there is a hidden fear of how will we be able to heal our relationship to what it used to be.

I love them both so much that my heart aches, but at the same time I'm fixing the pieces that broke off from my heart while suffering during the pregnancy.

My husband asks how this can be fixed, and I tell him with time. I know and understand that he didn't hurt me on purpose, that he suffered through his own feelings during the pregnancy, but now the cost of that is me breaking down. Still, I don't want to dwell on the past but rather focus on the future. There's no use in going over who said what.

We are still happy and our relationship is strong, but I'll admit it has taken some hits this year. The gift of discussion is the only way to handle this in any way and for that I am grateful. I'm grateful that we know how to talk to each other, without blaming or making the other feel guilty. Neither wants to hurt the other. The facts are clear in our case, he didn't want a child but got one anyway, I wasn't supposed to get pregnant but I had a child. He reacted in his own way throughout the pregnancy and is now at peace with his beloved daughter.

For a moment after the birth it felt like I had given as much of myself as I can and now that everything was ok, I was very tired. I still felt like an outsider and all the beautiful words or deeds felt like a charade, even though they weren't. Now I'm luckily feeling better since we had a chance to talk things through.

Relationships are never free coasting continuously. There will be those time that are mentioned already in wedding vows,  "...for better and for worse". We've gone through a big change and now we're building a family and our relationship on new supports. I must admit, we're going through a process that can take a while.

My beloved daughter Penny Blue Bonds

I wish for you everything good in life. I look at you adoringly when you sleep.

May your little toes touch the rain-watered grass where you hop around with your friends.
May your little feet take you to the oddest places in the world.
May your long fingers create beauty in this gloomy world.
May your small hand reach out to help someone in need.
May your skin feel the gentle touch of those you love.
May your eyes see all that is beautiful in life and people.
May your ears hear wise words that make you a better person.
May your beautiful mouth speak kindly to others and say soothing words to another when they are desperately needed.
May your hair blow in the wind when you stand bravely in the face of new choices.
May your heart guide you to the right path in life and share love with those who are close to you.
May your life be fulfilled without envy, hate, or cheating.
Thank you for being my daughter, I promise I will always be your greatest safety and security, supporter and good friend. I am your mother and infinitely proud of you. Thank you for letting me be yours.

Translated from the original Finnish text by Stiina Rasimus-Sahari

Kommentit

  1. Moi Sini, ja onnea vielä ihanan pikku-prinsessan johdosta! :) Ajattelin vain kommentoida tuota kaksikielisyyttä sen verran, että ainakin ensimmäiset vuodet sinun kannattaisi puhua tyttärellesi ainoastaan suomea. Itsekin kasvatan kaksikielisiä lapsia ja muistan lukeneeni, miten tärkeää oppimisvaiheessa on, että yksi ihminen puhuu lapselle vain yhtä kieltä.
    Tsemppiä kovasti sinulle ja uskon, että saatte kyllä kaikki ongelmat miehesi kanssa selätettyä. Muista, että elät tällä hetkellä aikamoisissa hormoonihuuruissa, eli mielialat saattavat heitellä rankastikin ja itkut voivat olla herkässä!

    VastaaPoista

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