Mixed feelings of the pregnancy

I’m driving down our home road and thinking in this smell of cow shit how cool it actually is here. The word luxury gets a whole different meaning when material things stop mattering. Followers on social media and keeping oneself continuously on top to get attention slowly starts to fade, you begin to see true beauty and live real life. The act is so easy to maintain with selfies and share a false truth about one’s own life. In the end I believe it drives people to distress and makes them become distorted with their own lies. I admit that I myself have become lost in that media swamp during a few time periods in my life. Not that I was lying, but that some sort of need to show off and a search for meaning or content in life was clearly there in a certain time period.
Maybe this pregnancy made me think about life again.
My pregnancy has been really difficult, right from the start. The nausea finally came back again, and the continuous sleepless nights with restless legs twitching about don’t make it easy to enjoy pregnancy.
At our home, the mood towards this pregnancy is also very contradictory. As you know, Stuart never wanted children and I wasn’t supposed to be able to have any. I’m now supporting my husband as he processes this. I don’t judge him, or the shifts in his mood. This wasn’t his decision let alone his will, just as it wasn’t my decision back then to be childless. When the power to decide something of this magnitude is taken away from you, it takes a while for you to come to terms with it. I’m now letting him deal with this in his own way, with shifting moods, and supporting him in this situation. I feel that I went through the same hell when I was diagnosed to be childless. How can you come to terms with a sentencing like that. What is your purpose as a woman and what will be left of me after I die. It was an excruciatingly long process that finally gave birth to a Pin-up model agency along with its competitions and courses aimed at boosting the self-esteem of women and myself as well. I told my mother that if I can’t be a mother myself, I’m going to help those that can be.
I cried hundreds of times and the internal anxiety nearly burned through my skin. So yes, I understand my husband in this matter in some very twisted way and can put myself in his shoes without judging him as a human being.
I love Stuart boundlessly, and I wouldn’t want anyone else as the father figure for my child than a man who is so honest that he endangers our whole relationship by telling me how bad he feels about the true feeling of joy and happiness not being mutual. I consoled him by saying, ”Don’t ever change. Don’t ever lie to me and tell me what you think I want to hear. I married you because of your honesty and peculiarity, so don’t ever change because of me. I love you and your honesty, even though I am crying. I understand and accept this current situation and I give you all my support, because you are my all and I love you more than anything in this world. Don’t be afraid, everything will go well and we’ll have a strong family together. Our child will grow up with the understanding and altruistic love of parents that appreciate each other.”
We had the whole world together. We had planned a lot of content for our path. I was happy and safe. Right now we are living a different kind of everyday life, getting used to a new path, looking at each other in different ways. I pray for strength and a strong bond a love that will hold us together despite everything.
My own strength is very weak at times, but then life again reminds me of the coming exciting gift with a little tug in my belly.
I am currently an expecting mother, I’m the baby the use of my body and accepting the changes within me. The feeling of love and beloging together that you can create through your belly skin is incredible. I couldn’t be more grateful to my God for this gift. I don’t belong to a church, I left the church, back to God. This gift is the greatest measure of love, my own child, my own flesh and blood. A creation made by both of us, shared by us, our own.
The tabloids seem to offer you stuff about ”celebrity” a/b and c class vacation trips, silicon, reality tv, and continuously lifting yourself up in the spotlight. I guess there’s nothing wrong with that, but when you look at the comments people make about those stories, one can’t help thinking haven’t you earned some entertainment that would awaken interest, a thirst for knowledge, inspiration, opening a dialogue, or even just a loud burst of laughter from genuine delight.
The summer weather in Finland has always been the result of a painful luck of the draw for those on vacation. When you wait for summer all through the long darkness and then you get rained on all through your vacation, it’s no wonder your own mood goes down and everybody gets pissed off.
Here, with the sun shining every day, you don’t even think anymore about how valuable a thing that actually is as well, light. People are also more full of light here, be it due to the weather or the fact that they don’t seem to be burdened by as many things as the Finns.
Here today, while driving home, I’m thinking of how wonderful life is. I live on a cattle ranch, the beginning was challenging, but in the end farm life grew on me. I wouldn’t move to the city anymore. I feel I’m free. We don’t have a television or mobile reception at home, and I’ve managed fine. Nature and its animals are continuously present in daily life and I think it’s incredible that soon I’ll get to experience the childhood of my own child that will be completely different compared to my own childhood in the countryside of Finland.
I feel I am very close with my friends even though we don’t even live on the same side of the planet anymore. I’ve met unbelievably supporting and great people here in my home town, and I’m immensely grateful for that. Almost a hundred friends are coming to our baby shower, and almost all of them have children. I believe the party will bring strength for Stuart in his process of becoming a father. The party will be at the premises of his beloved Rugby Club with his teammates and their families.
So this is how things are going here today. I thought I would honestly update my thoughts about my life. I don’t need pity, comments, or judgement about my life. I just wanted to point out that life isn’t always a bed of roses even though you might think so based on everything. Things have a way of working out in the end. I’m not afraid of the future much less things progressing. I’m thankful for everything. ❤


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